The Most Useful Blog of All
Apologies, bsk fans. I’ve been grossly irresponsible about updating my blog this month. Blame the ridiculous hours at work (and you thought only highly paid bankers worked past 10? I scoff at thee!); criticize my newly acquired, overly active social life (though fear not, Mom, I’m still comfortably ensconced in my bed by 9 p.m., of course); condemn the lack of Internet at my new digs (who knew, evidently there IS life beyond AIM!); but please, whatever you do, don’t call me useless.
Yes, useless. Anyone who has spoken to me for a period of more than 30 seconds knows that I use the word “useless” with remarkable frequency – but then, anyone who’s listened to me babble for more than 30 seconds knows that I pack a far higher words-per-second ratio than the average Sotheby’s auctioneer and can easily recite the entire dictionary in that duration. But “useless” has gained favor with me over the years as my reprimand of choice: You bail on dinner plans because you’re suffering from an unusual case of pneumonia complicated by e. boli and a pesky brain tumor? Useless. You can’t offer me sage advice on how to build my shower caddy? SO useless. You forget to return my voicemail because you’re nursing your ailing grandmother back to health? You guessed it – useless.
But I’m not self-absorbed, no sir – apart from a whole host of people or things that aggravate me personally and cramp my style on any given day, I find a great many other things to be utterly void of use to the greater public as well. To guide you, I have decided to list Sarah Khan’s Picks for the Most Useless Things in the Universe.
10. Small States. What use, pray tell, do the Rhode Islands, the Delawares, and the Connecticuts of this country serve? While it’s likely that they were originally founded for the sole purpose of offering passage to New York City from other, cooler parts of the country, it appears that, along the way, some misguided souls have set up homes and communities along these glorified highways. Useless.
10a. Big States. While small states are decidedly lacking in the use department, I do occasionally ponder the necessity of the Montanas and Utahs of the US as well. You can drive for three days and still be in the state of Texas. Brokeback Mountain may have offered us a taste of Wyoming’s burgeoning gay cowboy sector, but the state itself was so useless that they didn’t even bother shooting the movie there. The Dakotas thought they’d pull a fast one over us by splitting into two states, but, as far as I’m concerned, they’re still one big – and subsequently useless – state. And why exactly did we all have to learn how to spell Mississippi? Have we ever referenced it since, let alone written it down anywhere? And don’t even get me started on Oregon. Talk about a useless abyss. The only useful big state is Canada.